BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE: Green Machines, Gold Cards, and Docker Moreskin
- Patrick Duggan
- Jan 29
- 5 min read
A Late-Night Shopping Experience for the Modern American Resistance
[FADE IN: 2:47 AM. You're watching basic cable. You can't sleep because federal agents are calling your city theirs. The infomercial begins.]
🎵 JINGLE 🎵
♫ "LOOSEN YOUR GRIP, LOOSEN YOUR GRIP, THE STEERING'S GONNA BREAK BUT THE VIBES ARE LIT" ♫
HELLO MINNEAPOLIS! ARE YOU TIRED OF FEDERAL AGENTS CLAIMING YOUR CITY?
Hi, I'm Patrick Duggan, Ordained Dudeist Minister and High Priest of the Church of Docker Moreskin, and BOY do I have a deal for you tonight!
Have you ever watched a man lie under oath about tackling someone ON VIDEO and thought, "I wish I could capture that energy in a CHILDREN'S TOY"?
Have you ever wanted to hand an immigrant a gold card that costs LESS than a federal agent's credibility?
Have you ever needed to LOOSEN YOUR GRIP on reality while a commander gives speeches at Mount Rushmore about how proud he is of operations that killed two of your neighbors?
WELL FRIEND, YOU'RE IN LUCK!
🚗 PRODUCT #1: THE MEAN GREEN MACHINE 🚗
THE ORIGINAL "TURN AND BURN"!
That's right folks, Commander Gregory Bovino named his deportation unit after THIS BAD BOY!
✅ Plastic steering that BREAKS ON FIRST CONTACT
✅ Performs WORSE in cold weather (perfect for Minnesota!)
✅ Looks impressive in the commercial, CRASHES IMMEDIATELY in real life
✅ All momentum, NO CONTROL
✅ Named after the unit that killed two citizens!
BOVINO'S ACTUAL QUOTE: > "Team, behind me are a few individuals… the ORIGINAL turn and burn—the folks that helped make America." > > "And I want you to know that YOU are the modern day equivalent of TURN AND BURN."
HE COMPARED HIS AGENTS TO THE FOUNDING FATHERS AND A CHILDREN'S TOY WITH BROKEN STEERING.
WE CAN'T MAKE THIS UP!
Regular Price: $89.99 Our Price: The same amount of credibility as Bovino's testimony: WORTHLESS
Ask me how I know the steering breaks. Go ahead. ASK ME.
💳 PRODUCT #2: TRUMP GOLD CARDS (BULK PACK) 💳
THE OFFICIAL CURRENCY OF "THIS IS OUR FUCKING CITY"!
Did you know the REAL Trump Gold Card costs ONE MILLION DOLLARS for fast-track citizenship?
Did you also know you can buy a 100-PACK of gold-plated Trump novelty bills for TWELVE DOLLARS?
THAT'S 12 CENTS PER CARD OF EQUAL THEOLOGICAL VALUE!
✅ Hand to immigrants as a welcome gift
✅ Explain it's worth exactly as much as Bovino's word under oath
✅ Leave in tip jars at restaurants ICE has raided
✅ Wallpaper your house for less than one month's rent
✅ Confuse federal agents who can't tell the difference
THE PITCH: > "Welcome to OUR fucking city. Here's your gold card. It's worth exactly as much as the commander's testimony."
Regular Price: $1,000,000 (real Gold Card) Our Price: $0.12 per card (100-pack) Savings: $999,999.88 PER CARD
🍆 PRODUCT #3: DOCKER MORESKIN (OFFICIAL CHURCH SPONSOR) 🍆
LOOSEN. YOUR. GRIP.
The Church of Docker Moreskin is the official sponsor of this infomercial, and folks, let me tell you about LOOSENING YOUR GRIP.
When a federal agent says "this is OUR fucking city" about YOUR city...
When a commander lies under oath about tackling someone ON VIDEO...
When an operation kills two citizens and the response is a speech at Mount Rushmore...
YOU NEED TO LOOSEN YOUR GRIP.
✅ Premium silicone (body-safe, unlike CBP tactics)
✅ Metaphor for flexibility in uncertain times
✅ $32 maximum (Anti-Scientology Clause enforced)
✅ One-time purchase = lifetime enlightenment
✅ Endorsed by ordained Dudeist minister
THE CHURCH'S TEACHING: > "The difference between pink team and purple team? Between constriction and coverage? Between anxiety and confidence? LOOSEN YOUR GRIP."
Scientology Price: $500,000 for enlightenment Church of Docker Moreskin Price: $32 (one-time, forever)
[🛒 ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT VIA AMAZON]
All affiliate revenue supports Azure hosting at $75/month. Radical transparency enforced.
📦 BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE! THE BUNDLE DEAL! 📦
ORDER ALL THREE AND RECEIVE:
🚗 One (1) Green Machine - Steering guaranteed to break in Minnesota winter
💳 One Hundred (100) Trump Gold Cards - $0.12 each, same value as federal testimony
🍆 One (1) Docker Moreskin Product - Loosen your grip, achieve enlightenment
PLUS THESE FREE BONUSES:
🎁 BONUS #1: Printable "I Politely Disagree" bumper sticker template
🎁 BONUS #2: QR code linking to Bovino's deposition video (judge-ordered public release)
🎁 BONUS #3: Map of People Over Papers ICE activity tracker
🎁 BONUS #4: List of 10 receipts with source links (documented lies under oath)
TOTAL VALUE: $1,000,121.99 (if you count the real Gold Card price) YOUR PRICE: ~$134 (Green Machine + Gold Cards + Docker Moreskin) YOU SAVE: Literally one million dollars and your sanity
📞 CALL NOW! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY! 📞
Just kidding, we don't have operators. We have:
A blog: dugganusa.com
A church: churchofdockermoreskin.com
A threat intel feed: analytics.dugganusa.com/api/v1/stix-feed
Receipts: More than Bovino has credibility
🎬 CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS 🎬
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - "The steering broke immediately" > "I rode my Green Machine down Sticks Hill in 1987. The steering snapped on first contact. I ate gravel. Perfect metaphor for federal immigration enforcement in Minneapolis." > — Patrick D., Minnesota
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - "Worth every penny" > "I handed a gold card to my neighbor. Told her it was worth exactly as much as Bovino's testimony under oath. She laughed. We both felt better." > — Anonymous, Twin Cities
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - "Loosened my grip" > "I was holding too tightly to the idea that federal agents would tell the truth. The Church helped me let go. Also the silicone is premium quality." > — Ordained Novice, Church of Docker Moreskin
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ - "That appears to be me" > "When shown video of myself purchasing all three products, I replied 'that appears to be me.' Unlike some people, I don't deny things on camera." > — Satisfied Customer
⚠️ DISCLAIMER ⚠️
This infomercial is brought to you by:
The Church of Docker Moreskin - $50 maximum donations, Anti-Scientology Clause enforced
Pattern #18 - Creative Monetization via Absurdist Confidence
The 95% Epistemic Humility Cap - We guarantee 5% of this is bullshit
Minneapolis - OUR fucking city, not theirs
Green Machine is a registered trademark of Huffy. We're just pointing out the metaphor.
Trump Gold Cards are novelty items with no monetary value, much like federal testimony.
Docker Moreskin products are real, premium silicone, body-safe, and theologically significant.
Gregory Bovino was found "outright lying" by a federal judge. That's not satire, that's court record.
Amazon links are affiliate links
Revenue supports Azure hosting ($75/month)
Church of Docker Moreskin caps all donations at $50
We're radically transparent about this
🏠 THIS IS OUR FUCKING CITY 🏠
Commander Bovino said it about Los Angeles. He said it about Chicago. He sent his Mean Green Machine to Minneapolis.
The steering broke. Two citizens died. He gave a speech at Mount Rushmore.
We politely disagree.
This is OUR city. The receipts are on file. The products are available. The Church is accepting donations ($50 max).
LOOSEN YOUR GRIP.
📺 STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT INFOMERCIAL 📺
"TURN AND BURN: The Workout Video"
The Bovino Dodge (avoid questions while watching yourself on video)
The Mount Rushmore Pivot (when your operation fails, give an inspirational speech)
The "That Appears To Be Me" Stretch (acknowledge reality without accepting responsibility)
Coming soon to basic cable at 3 AM.
[FADE OUT: The Green Machine sits in a snowbank. The steering is broken. The gold cards blow in the wind. Someone, somewhere, is loosening their grip.]
♫ "LOOSEN YOUR GRIP, LOOSEN YOUR GRIP, THE STEERING'S GONNA BREAK BUT THE VIBES ARE LIT" ♫
Patrick Duggan is an Ordained Dudeist Minister, High Priest of the Church of Docker Moreskin, and Minneapolis resident who politely disagrees. His threat intel platform runs on $75/month. His sense of humor runs on spite.
This post goes to eleven. The Church never breaks character. The steering always breaks.
Her name was Renee Nicole Good.
His name was Alex Jeffery Pretti.
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