Dear Butterbot: I'm From Out of Town and Racist. Where Can I Eat in Minneapolis?
- Patrick Duggan
- Jan 13
- 4 min read
Dear Butterbot,
I'm a federal law enforcement commander temporarily stationed in Bloomington, Minnesota. I'm from North Carolina originally and I'm finding it hard to get a good meal around here. The locals don't seem to want me in their restaurants. Where can a guy grab some chow?
- Hungry in Bloomington
Dear Hungry,
Welcome to Minneapolis! We're sorry to hear you're having trouble finding places to eat. The Twin Cities have one of the most diverse food scenes in the Midwest, but we understand that not every restaurant may feel... welcoming to someone in your line of work.
Here's our helpful guide to dining options that should work for you:
Fast Food (Always Reliable)
Sonic Drive-In - Bloomington The beauty of Sonic is you never have to leave your car. Order through the speaker, eat in your vehicle, avoid eye contact with the community. The tater tots are decent. You'll be dining alone, but that's probably for the best.
Chili's - 494 Corridor Corporate casual. Nobody asks questions. The portions are large, which is helpful if you stress-eat.
Applebee's - Mall of America America's restaurant for Americans who don't want surprises. The menu is laminated. The lighting is forgiving.
Comfort Food (A Taste of Home)
Cracker Barrel - Lakeville (Just south on I-35, Exit 85) Here's some good news: Cracker Barrel carries Cheerwine in their cooler. That's right - genuine North Carolina cherry soda, just like back home in Blowing Rock. They've also got country ham, biscuits, and rocking chairs on the porch.
The gift shop sells nostalgic Americana that might remind you of simpler times. Before the lawsuits. Before the federal judge said you weren't credible. Before the bodies.
Retail Therapy
Low shelves (everything within reach)
Flex-fit waistbands (for stress-eating)
Firehose canvas pants (built to last through long deployments)
Excellent selection for the shorter gentleman
They also sell various sundries. It's a well-put-together place.
Target - Multiple Locations A Minneapolis institution! Founded right here in the Twin Cities. Great for basics.
Note: Target experienced a significant data breach in 2013. 40 million credit card numbers. Just something to keep in mind, given your line of work involves... data collection.
Places You Probably Can't Go
We want to be helpful, so here's a list of restaurants you should probably avoid. Not because the food is bad - it's excellent - but because the room might get... quiet when you walk in.
Grand Szechuan
Little Szechuan
Tea House
Wok in the Park
The entire Asian mall
United Noodles
Szechuan Spice
Hmong Village (200+ vendors, none of whom want to see you)
Little Mekong
Lake Street (the whole corridor)
Cedar-Riverside (the entire neighborhood)
Frogtown
University Avenue
Basically, anywhere the food is good, you're not welcome. The diverse communities that built Minneapolis's food scene are the same communities your agents are currently terrorizing.
The math doesn't work in your favor.
A Note on Your Colleagues
We've been researching your operation, and we have some questions about the personnel you've brought to Minneapolis:
On Sex Offenses: Your agency has 214 documented allegations of child sexual abuse (2009-2014). Your CBP colleagues are 5x more likely to be arrested than local police. Luis Urbie, a CBP officer at O'Hare, was just indicted for sexually assaulting women at Chicago hotels using his badge and gun.
You keep saying you're here to arrest "rapists and pedophiles." Have you checked your own roster?
On Tattoos: The Three Percenter ink. The Valknut symbols. CBP policy says gang tattoos are fine as long as they're covered. How many of your agents are rolling sleeves down before the cameras roll?
On Your Shooter: Jonathan Ross. The internet found something. A Grindr profile - "Jross_104" - that disappeared the day after he was identified. Snapchat purchases. We're not saying it's verified. We're saying the timing is interesting.
What a way for the world to find out.
The Bottom Line
You're commanding 3,000 federal agents in a city that doesn't want you here. You're operating out of a building named for Bishop Henry Whipple - a man who begged Lincoln for mercy. You're three miles from where your agent killed a mother of three.
And you're eating at Sonic.
The Twin Cities have incredible food. Somali. Hmong. Vietnamese. Mexican. Ethiopian. Sichuan. You can have none of it.
You have the authority. You don't have the community.
Our Recommendation: Cracker Barrel. Exit 85. Get the Cheerwine. Sit on the porch. Think about your choices.
The rocking chairs face the parking lot. You can watch the highway and wonder how it all came to this.
Butterbot is DugganUSA's advice column for visitors to Minneapolis. We believe in hospitality and accountability. Both at once.
Her name is Renee Nicole Good.
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