MAHA Says Eat a Raccoon. We Sell the Daily Pill. A Brain Worm Caucus Position Paper on Threat Intelligence.

May 8, 2026 · DugganUSA LLC · Companion piece to "We Prevent Cold Sores"

The Make America Healthy Again movement, currently administered from the office of the Secretary of Health and Human Services, has a position on suppressive antiviral therapy for chronic herpetic infection. The position, summarized: skip the daily pill, the immune system will sort it out, the pharmaceutical industry is the actual disease. This is consistent with the broader MAHA position on vaccination, fluoridation, raw milk, and the chemical contents of cereal. The Secretary's personal medical history, available in the public record, includes a parasitic brain worm that he testified under oath in 2012 had eaten a portion of his brain before dying inside it. The Secretary has also, by his own admission, transported a dead bear cub into Central Park, removed the head of a beached whale and strapped it to the roof of a vehicle, and, per Vanity Fair reporting, eaten a raccoon. There is, allegedly, a photograph of a raccoon penis. We will leave that detail there.

This is the public record. We are not making any of it up. None of it.

The Secretary is now responsible for the federal posture on suppressive medication, vaccination protocol, and pharmaceutical regulation across the United States. The MAHA movement, of which he is the most visible representative, considers the daily-generic-suppressive-antiviral approach to chronic infection to be an artifact of Big Pharma capture rather than a clinically validated standard of care.

This is not a political post. This is a product positioning post. Bear with us.

What MAHA's Position Translates To In Cybersecurity

The MAHA epistemology, applied to information security, produces predictable outputs:

• Skip the patch cycle. Your software's immune system will adapt.

• Vaccination (Microsoft Defender, CrowdStrike Falcon, SentinelOne, our Medusa Suite, anyone's prevention-tier product) is a Big Cyber capture artifact. Real organizations let their systems develop natural antibodies to threats by getting breached organically.

• Daily threat intelligence feeds are unnecessary. The CISO's gut-feel on which CVEs matter is more authentic than the indicators in our STIX feed.

• Raw, unpasteurized network traffic is healthier than the filtered version your firewall produces.

• Fluoridated DNS resolvers are a government psyop. Run your own, with whichever resolver the Brain Worm Caucus is currently endorsing.

• Cold sores are a manifestation of toxin buildup in the body. Eruptions during the IPO roadshow are simply the body cleansing itself. The breach disclosure on the SEC 8-K filing is the same cleansing process at the corporate level.

This is a parody. It is also, with depressing fidelity, a faithful translation of the actual MAHA position on suppressive medication, applied one-for-one to threat intelligence. The epistemology that says skip the daily acyclovir says skip the daily patch cycle. The epistemology that says vaccines are a pharmaceutical industry capture artifact says cyber-vaccines (prevention-tier security tooling) are a security industry capture artifact. The epistemology that says raw milk is healthier than pasteurized milk says raw network traffic is healthier than filtered traffic.

We do not endorse the MAHA position on any of this.

What The Actual Pharmacy Aisle Looks Like

In the post we published earlier today, we laid out the three sections of the actual cybersecurity pharmacy aisle: free public STIX feed (daily generic suppressive therapy, twenty-five queries per day, permanent), branded prescription suppressive therapy ($45/month Starter through $995/month Gov tier — same active ingredient, higher dose, longer lookback), and vaccination-tier prevention products ($8,995/month Medusa Suite or $24,995/month Enterprise Unlimited, for organizations whose Q-end immune dip costs real money).

The Secretary of Health and Human Services would, presumably, recommend against all three of these tiers in favor of, we don't know, dipping your incident response team in a cold plunge and feeding them organ meats. The Secretary's personal experience with parasitic infection of the brain has not, by any public record we can find, generated any policy framework against parasitic infection of corporate networks. We are forced to assume the position scales: if the brain worm taught the Secretary to question pharmaceutical intervention for parasitic neurological disease, presumably he would also question pharmaceutical-equivalent intervention for parasitic IT infrastructure infection.

We disagree. We sell the daily pill. We will continue selling the daily pill. We are not going to eat a raccoon, and we are not going to recommend our customers eat a raccoon, and the cybersecurity pharmacy aisle as we have constructed it is going to remain stocked with active-ingredient indicators delivered on a clinically validated dosing schedule.

The 95% epistemic cap applies as it always does. Suppressive antiviral therapy is not one hundred percent effective. Daily threat intelligence is not one hundred percent effective. Vaccination-tier prevention is not one hundred percent effective. We do not claim eradication of the chronic underlying infection. We claim suppression at the highest available rate the active ingredient supports, taken on the correct dosing schedule, by a patient who recognizes their own trigger pattern.

What This Is Actually About

The reason this post exists is not to mock the Secretary. The Secretary mocks himself adequately on his own time, with his own cooler, his own raccoon, and his own publicly archived neurological history. The reason this post exists is to flag a structural risk to the cybersecurity industry that emerges when the alternative-medicine epistemology becomes federal policy.

If the federal posture on pharmaceutical intervention shifts toward MAHA framing — and the Secretary's appointment suggests it has — the downstream effects include reduced regulatory pressure on suppressive-therapy adherence in healthcare settings, reduced vaccination uptake during disease outbreaks, reduced trust in the FDA's clinical-validation process, and eventually, reduced trust in the broader epistemology of "evidence-based daily intervention against latent chronic threats." That last category is where cybersecurity lives.

A board that has been told for two years that the pharmaceutical industry is capturing the FDA will eventually transfer that frame to the cybersecurity industry. The CISO who is briefing a MAHA-aligned board on the $8,995/month Medusa Suite will be asked, with sincerity, why we cannot just let the network develop natural antibodies. The board member who has been raw-milk-pilled will ask whether maybe a breach is just the body cleansing itself.

We will be ready for that conversation. The pharmacy aisle will still be open. The active ingredient will still be in the bottle. The 95% epistemic cap will still be on the label, where the FDA-equivalent honesty has always lived. The customer who walks in and asks for the daily pill will get the daily pill at $45/month. The customer who walks in and asks for the vaccination-tier protection will get it at $8,995 or $24,995 per month. The customer who walks in asking whether they should eat a raccoon instead will be politely directed to the broader Brain Worm Caucus pharmacy across the street, where the active ingredient is whatever the Secretary's most recent X post has endorsed.

We are open. We are stocked. We are not going to eat a raccoon.

On The Allegations Of Photographic Evidence

We make no claim regarding the existence, non-existence, content, or chain of custody of any allegedly photographed raccoon penis. The Vanity Fair reporting and the subsequent texts story are publicly available. The raccoon, the photograph, and the whale carcass roof-strap are matters of public record, repeatedly confirmed by the Secretary in his own statements and in court testimony. We acknowledge the raccoon. We do not endorse the raccoon. We do not sell the raccoon. The raccoon is not in our pharmacy aisle.

Summary

MAHA, as currently administered from HHS, does not endorse the suppressive-antiviral approach to chronic herpetic infection. The same epistemology, applied to cybersecurity, would not endorse the suppressive-threat-intelligence approach to chronic latent compromise. We disagree with the epistemology. We sell the daily pill. We sell the vaccination protocol. We do not sell the raccoon. The pharmacy aisle remains open at $45 to $24,995 per month, with the active ingredient documented and the 95% epistemic cap on the label.

If you are reading this from inside an organization whose board has gone raw-milk-pilled and is asking the security team to consider whether breaches are just the network cleansing itself, we are at [email protected]. We will help you draft the response.

— Patrick Duggan

DugganUSA LLC, Minneapolis

Aye.

Receipts

• Companion post: "We Prevent Cold Sores" — published earlier today, www.dugganusa.com

• RFK Jr. brain worm: 2012 sworn deposition; New York Times reporting May 2024

• RFK Jr. Central Park bear cub: own admission, recorded interview 2024

• RFK Jr. whale carcass head: Town & Country interview, by his own description

• RFK Jr. raccoon: Vanity Fair reporting 2024, Texts story

• HHS Secretary confirmation: February 13, 2025

• Make America Healthy Again movement: anti-vaccination, raw milk advocacy, anti-fluoridation, anti-pharma

• DugganUSA pharmacy aisle: STIX feed (free, 25 queries/day) → Starter $45/mo → Researcher $145/mo → Professional $495/mo → Gov/Press $995/mo → Medusa Suite $8,995/mo → Enterprise Unlimited $24,995/mo

• 95% epistemic cap: applied to all DugganUSA claims (compliance, threat intelligence, detection coverage)

• Suppressive antiviral efficacy literature: valacyclovir 70-80% outbreak prevention at standard daily dose

• This post is satire. The public record on the Secretary's personal history is not.

• We are not going to eat a raccoon.

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Her name was Renee Nicole Good.

His name was Alex Jeffery Pretti.