PERJURY-AS-A-SERVICE™ Is Now Open For Series D Investors. $124M Raised. $600M Valuation. Operators Are Standing By.
- Patrick Duggan
- 28 minutes ago
- 6 min read
May 6, 2026 · DugganUSA LLC
The following is a satirical infomercial. The numbers in it are real. The legal exposure in it is real. The product category in it is real. Only the tone is satire.
Hello, Fellow Risk-Tolerant Investor!
Are YOU sick of your portfolio companies' security incidents reaching the public? Tired of independent journalists, security researchers, and competent SOC teams writing factual blog posts that name your customers in unflattering breach contexts?
Frustrated that the SEC's Item 1.05 cybersecurity disclosure rule (effective December 18, 2023) has made it MANDATORY for public registrants to disclose material cyber incidents on Form 8-K within four business days of materiality determination?
Wishing there were a way to just MAKE THE INTERNET STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR CUSTOMERS' BREACHES?
WE HAVE GOOD NEWS!
Introducing PERJURY-AS-A-SERVICE™
The world's first AI-native automated trademark takedown platform that fires sworn legal attestations at independent security researchers, journalists, and competitors WITHOUT ANY SUBSTANTIVE LEGAL REVIEW WHATSOEVER!
Just look at these features:
✓ Automated takedown notice generation — Our patented bot pipeline composes trademark infringement notices in seconds! No paralegal required! No senior counsel review! Just type a brand name, hit send!
✓ "Penalty of perjury" attestation language imported directly from the DMCA copyright statute (17 USC 512(c)(3)(A)(vi))! Never mind that DMCA doesn't cover trademark! Never mind that there is no statutory perjury hook for trademark notices! The LANGUAGE LOOKS SCARY and that's what matters!
✓ Synchronized multi-vector blast technology! One click delivers your notice to the target's inbox, their hosting provider's abuse queue, their CDN's Trust & Safety team, AND their domain registrar — ALL AT THE SAME UTC MINUTE! Five intermediaries notified, zero substantive review!
✓ Auto-CC the customer's enforcement queue on every notice — so your client receives a copy of the suppression demand being made in their name, providing perfect contemporaneous documentation of suppression activity for any future plaintiffs' counsel to subpoena!
✓ Random USPTO registration selection — Our bot picks ONE registration for the cited trademark and pins the perjury attestation to it WITHOUT CHECKING WHETHER THE REGISTRATION'S CLASS SCOPE COVERS THE ALLEGED USE! Why bother? Recipients won't notice! (Until they do.)
Architecture Highlights For Technical Due Diligence
✓ SaaS-on-SaaS-on-SaaS-on-SaaS architecture! API on Google Cloud! App on Vercel! CMS on Cloudflare! Security portal on Whistic! Partners on Impartner! Trust on Vanta! Learning on Google Sites! Login on Auth0! Sales tooling on Outreach.io! Marketing on HubSpot! Scheduling on Schedulehero! Internal/testing fronted by Imperva! NEVER OWN ANYTHING! BLAME EVERYTHING ON YOUR VENDOR STACK!
✓ 244 Shodan-indexed services on hostname:doppel.com, including extensive Imperva Incapsula testing infrastructure exposing dozens of non-standard ports! Total transparency to anyone with an internet connection and curiosity!
✓ Email delivery via Sparkpost with automated-reply boilerplate that explicitly states "This report was handled automatically and this email is an automated reply"! Never let your customers wonder whether a human ever looked at the notice!
INVESTOR HIGHLIGHTS
🎯 $124M raised across Seed, Series A, Series B, and Series C 🎯 $600M+ valuation as of November 19, 2025 🎯 3X ARR growth year-over-year 🎯 5X Fortune 500 customer growth in 2025 🎯 230% CAGR since 2022 🎯 200+ customers including Coinbase, OpenAI, Notion, Shopify, Ramp, Commerce, Orrick, United Airlines, Ark Invest 🎯 Lead investors: Bessemer Venture Partners, Andreessen Horowitz, George Kurtz personally (Crowdstrike CEO — yes, THAT one)
Series D is OPEN! Get in before our valuation gets re-priced when the legal community catches up!
OUR ESTIMATED PRICING (Their actual ACVs are private; this is industry-standard inference)
🔥 Mid-market: only $30K-$80K per year! 🔥 Mid-enterprise: just $100K-$200K per year! 🔥 Fortune 500: a steal at $300K-$500K+ per year!
That's only 200x to 1,475x your customer's actual disclosure-failure legal exposure under SEC Item 1.05 + HIPAA OCR + securities class action + state AG follow-on (Medtronic precedent: $40M-$295M)!
What a deal!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Order in the next thirty minutes and we'll throw in:
🎁 Reputational signaling that your firm prefers automated suppression over substantive engagement with truthful security reporting!
🎁 Discoverable evidence trails that prosecutors and plaintiffs' counsel can subpoena to argue intent in any post-breach civil action!
🎁 A confidential email footer asserting that the message is "strictly forbidden to share" — to any recipient that screen-shots it and posts it to LinkedIn! (Doesn't work, has never worked, but the LANGUAGE LOOKS SCARY!)
🎁 Free perjury attestations on every notice, regardless of whether the notice is substantively meritorious! Limited only by your willingness to assert them under oath!
WHAT CUSTOMERS ARE NOT SAYING
"We are extremely satisfied with our brand-protection vendor's performance during our recent material cybersecurity incident, particularly their decision to issue automated trademark takedown demands against the only public source of advance warning we received." — No Public Company GC, Ever
"When the SEC opens its investigation under Item 1.05, the discoverable email trail of our vendor's perjury-attested suppression activity will surely strengthen our defense." — No Securities Defense Counsel, Ever
"I am pleased that our enforcement queue was CC'd on every notice our vendor sent in our name, providing complete contemporaneous documentation for the inevitable class-action discovery." — No Chief Legal Officer, Ever
RISK DISCLOSURES (in the fine print, where nobody reads)
The product offered above carries risks including but not limited to:
Nominative fair use under New Kids on the Block v. News America Publishing, 971 F.2d 302 (9th Cir. 1992), defeats trademark claims against editorial/journalistic identification of trademark holders. Settled doctrine for thirty-three years across all federal circuits.
DMCA 17 USC 512(f) imposes liability for knowing material misrepresentation in a takedown notice. While DMCA covers copyright not trademark, the bot's choice to import the DMCA "penalty of perjury" ritual into trademark notices may, in the right circuit, expose the sender to analogous fraud-based causes of action under state law.
Lanham Act 15 USC 1117(a) authorizes attorneys' fee-shifting against parties who litigate trademark claims in bad faith.
Tortious interference with prospective business advantage is available as a state-law claim against parties who use trademark threats to suppress lawful editorial speech.
SEC Reg S-K Item 1.05 (effective Dec 18, 2023) makes material cybersecurity incident disclosure mandatory regardless of any vendor's suppression activity. The vendor's suppression activity may itself be cited as evidence of materiality, scienter, or intent in subsequent enforcement actions.
R.R. Donnelley & Sons Co. settled SEC charges for $2.125M in June 2024 over cybersecurity disclosure controls failures. Vendor activity that interferes with disclosure controls may be charged as a separate violation.
State Attorneys General (NYAG, CalAG, CT, MA) operate independently of federal enforcement appetite and have historically been the more aggressive enforcement vector on consumer-data-breach matters.
Plaintiffs' securities class action bar does not require any agency's permission to file. The Lyon Firm published "Medtronic Data Breach Investigation, 9 Million Records Allegedly Leaked" the same week the breach was confirmed.
HIPAA Tier 4 willful neglect (uncorrected) carries a $2.13M annual cap per category per year. Multi-category exposure stacks.
At least one independent security researcher has already documented the entire pattern in three blog posts published on a single afternoon and saved the receipt trail to a public-record dossier. Other researchers are reading along.
The 95% epistemic cap applies. We guarantee 5% bullshit exists in the above analysis. We are not securities counsel, and the precise legal exposure varies by jurisdiction, fact pattern, and the political composition of the SEC at the time of enforcement.
ORDER NOW
For Series D investor due diligence inquiries, the company's investor relations contact is presumably reachable through the usual channels. We are not affiliated with the company in any way other than as a recipient of one of their automated perjury attestations this morning.
For the fund analyst reading this through their portfolio-monitoring dashboard: the math above is the bear case. The bull case is what got Bessemer, Andreessen Horowitz, and George Kurtz to $124M. The two cases coexist until the first defendant with $50K and a stubbornness problem files an action; at which point the bull case repriceс meaningfully.
We are happy to chat. [email protected].
For the recipient of any future automated trademark takedown notice from the company satirized above: the response template we used this morning is in our open-source repository at scripts/send-doppel-response.js. Steal it. Modify it. Send it. The fold rate is the product; lowering the fold rate kills the product.
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY
But the operators are also automated.
— Patrick Duggan DugganUSA LLC, Minneapolis
Aye.
Receipts
Funding figures: BusinessWire May 2 2025 ($35M Series B at $205M valuation), PRNewswire/Fortune November 19 2025 ($70M Series C at $600M+ valuation, total $124M raised)
Customer list and architecture: cross-referenced from doppel.com, Gartner Peer Insights, and our own infrastructure recon (research/doppel/recon-2026-05-06.md)
Legal precedents: New Kids on the Block v. News America Publishing, 971 F.2d 302 (9th Cir. 1992); SEC v. R.R. Donnelley & Sons Co., June 2024; SEC Final Rule on Cybersecurity Disclosure (effective Dec 18, 2023)
The takedown notice we received this morning at 05:16 UTC: published in full in three companion posts on this blog, all dated today
244 Shodan match count: live API pull 2026-05-06 14:55 UTC, query hostname:doppel.com
Microsoft Clarity novelty observed live this afternoon: rage clicks on the companion posts, source unconfirmed but suggestive
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